Friendship breakups in 2020 - ELLE Online (Copy)

Much has been written about what isolation has revealed about our romantic partners.

People have heard their lover's work voice for the very first time or discovered that they've unknowingly been sharing a bed with someone who repeatedly uses the phrases 'circle back,' and 'touching base'.

But not much has been spoken about what this period of suspended animation has shown us about our friends.

Some friends have been revealed as toilet paper hoarders, some loved to video call without texting first, and others didn't understand that going on a string of first dates during lockdown was not An Okay Thing To Do.

A crisis reveals people's true colours, but what are we supposed to do if we don't like what we've seen? Like, what if you discovered that a friend gets all their news from TikTok? Or what if it's just been so nice not having to hang out with them these past few months?

Friendship expert and founder of URSTRONG Dana Kerford says realising that you don't like something about a friend can be a good thing. "Any kind of crisis really exposes a person's true values. It's been a really nice opportunity for people to take a step back and reflect on their friendships," she says. "So often we get into a routine and never really stop to ask whether a friendship is good for us anymore.

"As the world opens back up, we have an opportunity to re-establish friendships or put in some new structures or boundaries and be more mindful about what we say yes to," she adds. "We're all adults, we're in charge of our time and we need to make healthy choices because that time is precious."

If 2020 has you reconsidering your friendship with that person who popped into your head just then, read on for the ELLE guide to navigating adult friendships.

HAS THE FRIENDSHIP RUN ITS COURSE OR IS IT JUST A WEIRD TIME?

We normally fill our friendship circles with people who share the same values, so it can come as a painful shock to realise that some just, well, don't. But try to remember that not all friends are forever.

According to a study published by Netherlands Organisation for Scientific Research, most friendships have a seven-year expiration date.

This is not to say you should dump your friend on your copper anniversary, but it's a helpful reminder that, as Dana says, "We have different friends for different reasons and different seasons. Accept that idea that friendships change and that's okay."

Dana's expertise is in childhood friendships, where she uses food as a metaphor, which is also something adults can benefit from.

"Healthy friendships do the exact same thing as healthy food," she says. "They feel good, they lift us up, they help us grow and ultimately bring out the best in us. If we ate lollies and chips all the time, we'd feel tied down, we'd get a stomach ache, we wouldn't feel good. Unhealthy friendships drag us down, and they bring out the worst in us."

A word of warning: take some time to work out whether your friendship has become temporarily unhealthy or permanently toxic before you make any decisions about its future. A crisis isn't a great time to be making life-changing decisions on a whim, and keep in mind that everyone is struggling at the moment, so it might just be a phase.

If you're suffering from a pal-induced belly ache, you have a few options...

"I WANT TO SAVE THE FRIENDSHIP"

The first step towards saving the friendship—or, what Dana refers to as putting out a Friendship Fire—is timing.

When you get the right moment (must be in person, sorry) keep it as simple as possible, using phrases such as "I feel" rather than "You always" or "You never". Be as specific as you can, and then listen.

If your friend responds negatively, back away from the conversation. "Rather than continuing a conversation with someone who's reacting negatively, say something like 'I can see this is not a good time to talk about this, we'll chat another time,'" Dana explains. "If you keep trying, you're going to make that Friendship Fire bigger."

If your friend acknowledges how you feel and then expresses their side of the story, you can have an open conversation and talk it out until both sides feel heard. "From there, you can come up with a plan on how to move forward and what to do next time," Dana says.

"I WANT TO SCALE IT BACK"

The scale back is for those times when there has been no incident or fight—no Friendship Fire—but for some inexplicable reason, things don't feel right anymore and you need to take a step back.

"If people can't explain why a friendship doesn't feel good and they can't think of a specific reason or incident, they point the finger back at themselves and think 'It must be me, I must be crazy,'" she says. "We need to acknowledge that a friendship not feeling good is reason enough."

Dana says in these situations, you don't necessarily need to tell the friend that you're pulling back if it's just going to cause them pain and likely put an end to a friendship you didn't want to end—you just want a diluted version of it.

"You can just start saying no to the things that don't feel good anymore," Dana says. "It doesn't require you saying, 'No, because being with you doesn't feel good anymore,' Simply say, 'No thanks, I'm unavailable.' It doesn't need to be dramatic, it's more about being strategic."

For example, if hanging out one-on-one no longer feels good, politely decline their invitation to come over for a glass of wine and instead invite them to a group situation if that's something you're more comfortable with.

"I WANT OUT"

Unfortunately, some friendships aren't worth saving.

"Trust and respect are the two most important qualities of a friendship, I imagine you'd only break up with a friend when disrespect or mistrust have seeped in," Dana says. "You can't have a friendship that doesn't have that foundation."

Unlike a romantic breakup, no one helps us navigate the breakdown of an adult friendship: what to say, how to say it, whether or not to stay in contact afterwards. But like any long-term romantic relationship, a long-standing friendship deserves the respect of a mature ending.

Do it in person, come prepared with what you want to say (what the issues have been, why you have made the decision, what you want from them—if anything—in future), and be ready for some backlash. Be clear that this is the end rather than a conversation where you're hoping for a resolution.

"There's so much research in the power of quality over quantity when it comes to friendships," Dana says. "You need to get discerning and picky about your friendships because they really matter, and they have a huge impact on your wellbeing and self-confidence. It's an act of self-compassion to let go of an unhealthy, toxic friendship—keep reminding yourself of that."

Even if you were the one who called it off, breaking up with a friend hurts. You've detangled yourself from someone you probably thought was going to be in your life forever, and that stings. Don't let anyone put a stopwatch on your grief (where romantic breakups are allowed to be mourned for years, friends are supposed to have a glass of wine about it and be done).

Dana says to treat it like any other breakup: "Appreciate what they brought into your life at that time, and let them go. Do more of what you love and spend time with those healthy, feel-good friendships. That's what you deserve."

This story originally appeared on elle.com.au in July 2020.