SINGLED OUT - ELLE June/July 2020
We’ve entered an era of myriad relationship statuses – coupled, friends with benefits, open, polygamous, three-digital-dates-in-but-unsure-where-this-is-going. But is flying solo the last taboo?
For my last birthday, I bought myself the gold diamond ring of my dreams. More than a birthday present, it was a gift to myself for making the incredibly tough decision to end a six-year relationship the week prior. In my excitement to own the ring, I didn’t check the sizing before I bought it online, and so it only fits my wedding ring finger – not the finger next to my pinky on my right hand, specifically the ring finger on my left hand. The first time I wore it – before news of the break-up had spread – a friend saw it and rushed over to ask if I was engaged. She was so excited that I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it symbolised the exact opposite.
Being single this time around – now I’m in my thirties – feels different from the last time. Back then, I never wondered if being single meant being alone forever; I never searched for another uncoupled soul for reassurance that being alone was okay; I never wondered if I should have stayed in a relationship that wasn’t working just for the comfort of familiarity. Other people are different, too. Before, no-one rushed to reassure me that I’d find someone soon; no-one suggested getting back together; no-one felt they had to try to fix me up, or fix me. “There are, unfortunately, still negative connotations that come with the word ‘single’,” says psychotherapist Melissa Ferrari.
For women, life is marked with signposts: career, marriage, children. Divert from the path and you’re made to feel guilty, judged or like a failure. Take Emma Watson, who, let’s not forget, is an acclaimed actor and UN Women Goodwill Ambassador. She sent the internet into a tailspin when she declared that she’s perfectly fine as a single woman. “It took me a long time, but I’m very happy. I call it being self-partnered,” she said.
She wasn’t the first to use the term. Australian healer Melanie Tonia Evans has been talking about it since 2015. “Self-partnering means to turn away from trying to change or fix someone and turn towards oneself with love and devotion instead,” she explains.
“Some people felt very passionately about Watson using this term, as in, ‘We don’t need a name for it!’ But I think anything that helps folks find comfort is helpful,” says Mary McCarthy, who runs the Instagram account @NotEngaged, in which she parodies the perfect engagement ring shot. “Call yourself whatever you like. If it’s empowering for you, then great – congratulations on being self-partnered! Being single, your life is wide open. That’s something to be celebrated, not feared.”
The focus on the “self-partnered” comment is revealing. The fact that Watson’s throwaway remark – part of an interview that also covered trans rights, feminism, activism and the environment – generated so much talk shows that a woman declaring she’s perfectly happy not being in a relationship is still seen as brave.
But Watson’s declaration of happy singledom is a sign that things are shifting. As is McCarthy’s Instagram account, which started as an inside joke with friends and now has 165,000 followers. “Judging by the size of its audience, we can see there’s still a struggle [to escape the pressure to get married and have kids by a certain age],” says McCarthy. “My hope was to find an empowering message in the joy of being single – benefits such as taking up the whole bed – rather than the hyper-focus on ‘I don’t have a life partner’.”
That hyper-focus is “such an old way of thinking”, says Ferrari. “There is an emphasis in society that you find the right one and live happily ever after, and that’s just BS. It’s the hardest thing in the world to work out how to navigate your selfishness, your self-focus, your self-fulfilledness, then go into a relationship and merge with someone and, at some level, lose a part of yourself.”
Just as there is no one way to be in a relationship, there is no one way to be single. It doesn’t have to be about looking for love. It can be about taking time to cultivate a relationship with yourself, or wanting to live life at your own pace. By throwing off outdated stigmas, we can reframe what it means to be single, which is exactly what Watson was doing when she said she was self-partnered.
Psychologist Dr Tim Sharp, who created The Happiness Institute, agrees that societal expectations still exist, but says we can learn to overcome the pressure by deciding which – if any – we want to accept. “In an ideal world, we’d all choose our own goals and set our own expectations and live our own lives according to our values,” he says. And it seems people are starting to do just that. In a 2018 Tinder survey of more than 1,000 people aged 18 to 25, 72 per cent said they had made a conscious decision to remain single, and 81 per cent agreed that being single benefits them, their careers and their friendships.
French photographer and OG influencer Garance Doré planned to throw herself a party for her one-year-single anniversary, after being in back-to-back relationships from age 13 to 44. A Japanese travel agency was offering packages for women who want to “marry” themselves, complete with dress and photos. Then there’s The Single Supplement newsletter, which provides uplifting and practical content in an attempt to counteract the negative narrative permeating pop culture.
Yet still, on some days, being single can feel like a personality trait or a character flaw. That old cultural message – that being single is a transitory phase you have to slog through before becoming a fully functioning, mature adult – still exists. So how to fight that assumption? “Meditation is very good because it flicks off the anxiety,” suggests Ferrari, and Evans agrees: “Quite frankly, when you have that level of emotional wholeness going on, you couldn’t care less what others think of you.”
By making the distinction between what you genuinely want and what others want you to want, you can stop thinking of the life you’ve made as “for the time being” and start thinking of it as something intentional. “You have to come to a place where you accept that you know what you’re doing,” says Ferrari. “You are in charge of your life. You had the self-respect to say, ‘I want better for me.’ Your process is your business, not anyone else’s.”
McCarthy also has some advice. “You can flip other people’s ‘concerns’ about your singlehood with all the great things you’ve done: the trip to Paris you went on, your promotion, that time you fixed a sink on your own,” she says. “Just like politics, there are some minds you won’t be able to change, so hold your head high and focus on all the good in your life. You’ll be much happier.
“It’s empowering to be single,” she continues. “You’re doing great. Enjoy your life as a fantastic single person and take advantage of your precious time – just have so much fun.” So go ahead and buy that ring – and wear it on any finger you like!
This story originally appeared in the June/July 2020 issue of ELLE Magazine. Photography: Betina Du Toit.
