2017 Horoscopes, the 'Definitive' Guide - The Ladies Network
You have better things to do than read through the hundreds of 2017 predictions that are circulating in print and online. I, on the other hand, do not. Here’s a round-up and in-depth analysis of your stars according to Rookie, Oyster, Elle, Marie Claire, and Body and Soul.
All star signs
Kicking off a New Year while Mercury is in retrograde is brutal. Mercury’s tailspin began in December as a last-ditched attempt from 2016 to eliminate whatever positivity you had left. But remember, the best revenge is living well.
Rookie’s resident astrologists (yes, plural) Dylan Tupper Rupert and Amelia Quint reckon Mercury in retrograde (where Mercury pretends to orbit backwards in the sky) makes you a whole lot more introspective than you perhaps tend to be. They say that if you’re feeling fragile – actually, they said “emo” but I feel that’s more of a lifestyle than a state of being (at least it was for me in 2003) – then you need to be gentle with yourself. Author’s tip: take a bath with dried flowers and Epsom salts. And some bicarb soda for an extra kick. Wear a Manuka honey facemask and sip on a glass of New Zealand pinot noir as you read Joan Didion (because if there’s anyone who can put your misery into beautiful, poetic perspective, it’s Joan (thank god 2016 didn’t take her, too).
The start of the year sees Mars and Neptune in Pisces, which, according to Dylan and Amelia could see you shedding a few tears. Which is fine because you’re already in the bath. Just don’t cry into your wine, it’ll water it down.
While Mars and Neptune together are a pretty shitty combination, individually, they’re actually kind of great. Mars helps you put all your feelings into 2017 projects, and Neptune brings the inspiration. And to top it all off, the moon is going to bring a solution to that dilemma (you know, that one), and it’ll be aligned with the North Node in Virgo,
coordinating everything to get you closer to your goals, which means you don’t actually have to do anything! Top up that hot water and pour yourself another glass of wine, and relax — Lady Luna’s got this.
Oyster’s Jessica Lanyadoo recommends sitting down at the start of the year and making a plan for what you want to achieve for the rest of the year. What a revolutionary idea, maybe they should be called New Year’s Resolutions, and everyone could do them at the same time – oh, wait.
Once you get past her penchant for using “hella” as an adjective and “bishes” to describe women, they’re actually an alright read. You can intrude on other people’s star signs and take their advice for yourself because it’s all relevant.
Eric Francis Coppolino does readings for Marie Claire and the most interesting thing about his predictions is the way he anthropomorphises the planets. Pluto is “maniacal” (a truly terrifying image) while Uranus is “chaotic” (stop it, you’re not 12).
Body and Soul’s Jonathan Cainer is the most cryptic man ever to walk the earth. Every reading begins with an assortment of seemingly random questions, the answers to which are supposed to reveal a greater meaning.
Elle magazine’s Susan Miller is impressively precise when it comes to the movements of the planets and the dates when celestial events are set to occur. And while I love that about her, she’s pretty old-fashioned: love always leads to marriage, and she still thinks buying property is a viable option. How much do astrologers get paid?
Aries March 21- April 20:
Work & money
Dylan and Amelia are calling for you to review how you spend your time so you can determine whether your day-to-day actions line up with your Master Plan. The moon is in your 10th house of work, which may have you feeling a little self-conscious about not having achieved a particular goal yet. Sometimes you need to take the long way around and remind yourself that the achievement of the goal isn’t the final destination. This is great – imagine if you finally ticked off “do washing up” and then ceased to be.
In regards to work, Ariesians need to connect with wise and inspirational people because 2017 is going to pile on the opportunities and you’ll need the wisdom of someone else to fully appreciate them. In a spectacularly contradictory follow-up sentence, Oyster’s Jess says that what other people think about your opportunities doesn’t matter, as long as you think it’s the right thing to do. So, in summary: befriend an inspirational and wise person, but if they don’t tell you what you want to hear, ignore them.
Meanwhile, over at Marie Claire, Eric says you need to become a power player, but don’t be an underhanded sneak because you need all the integrity you can get to rise to the top of your field.
In Elle, Susan is adamant that you’ll be promoted by the end of the year, as long as you work for it. Your finances will be easier to handle come October, which is a very good time to get that business plan off the ground. If you’re studying, you’ll have some tough professors, but you’ll benefit from their knowledge and it’ll all pay off early next year. Hang in there! And remember, Ps get degrees.
Social
When it comes to your social scene, Jess says if you didn’t feel like partying on New Year’s Eve, don’t worry – there’s still a chance you’ll have fun at some point this year. Be sure to surround yourself with “babes you trust” and don’t waste time on things you’d rather not be doing. (Author’s note: There are exceptions to this, like, you still need to shower and clean the house, especially if you live with someone else because that’s gross.)
Love
When it comes to love, Jess says that if you want it, you need to put yourself out there to get it. This good advice if you’ve been sitting in your ivory tower waiting for someone to climb your hair.
Also, you need to stop holding onto what you have for fear there’s nothing better out there. And while you will probably feel nostalgic for an old flame, remember you can’t go back in time (if Cher couldn’t, no one can).
You also need to invest in the people you truly want (not fiscally. If someone new wants you to invest in them financially, run away!) so that you can build the relationships you’ll truly treasure (again, not fiscally).
According to Eric, you’re going to be lucky in love whether you’re single, attached, or miserable. So that’s good news, there. “Happy” and “adventurous” Jupiter is in your love zone for the first time in 11 years (wow), creating serious romantic potential. But remember, if you want it, you have to go out there and find it. And then invest some solid cash in it. Joking. But do what you gotta do; no judgement here.
On the other hand, Susan is saying that you don’t need to lift a finger when it comes to love. In fact, if you want to get married, Jupiter is in your marriage house for the first time in 10 years, so you don’t even need to leave the house to find yourself a nice partner – it turns out they might just climb your hair after all. But don’t expect to find love between March 4 and April 15 (when Venus is in retrograde). Or after October (when Jupiter has better things to do than sit on your couch). Like Jess, Suz mentions feeling nostalgic for an old flame, specifically around August 12 to September 5, so keep an eye out and maybe block your exes from social media as a preventative measure. She also recommends not trying out a new hairstyle between March and April because Venus rules not only love, but beauty, and everyone knows you can’t have one without the other.
Health & home
Jess says this year is a “dope time” to transform your look. Apparently, you’ve changed, Aries, and it’s time your outsides matched your insides. In matters of the body, she wants you to cut your hair (remember, not between March and April), wear a different colour pallet, or stop wearing make-up for a month. The medium of transformation is up to you, it just needs to reflect the new you.
Suzie says the best time to change your living arrangements comes with the new moon on June 23, which is all well and good if you can line up a new housemate, a replacement housemate, a new rental property, movers, a day off work, and bond for that date. Unfortunately, overseas holidays don’t seem to be possible, but you can satisfy that wanderlust with lots of short trips throughout the year. The best time for a trip though is between April 21 and June 4. Lock in that annual leave now before all the other Aries get to it.
Jonathan has a truly cryptic message for you, Aries. You need to look at something “other than the obvious” and consider things from a “broad perspective”. Turns out, you’re too caught up with what is happening right in front of you (this article?), which can’t be entirely ignored (that’s a relief, it’s taking me ages), but needs to be seen in the right light (do you need to put a lamp on?). Apparently, you don’t yet know the value of what you have, you can only see the amount of trouble it has the potential to cause you. Lesson: think a little deeper, whatever that means.
Taurus: April 21- May 20
Work & money
New Year’s Resolution’s #1 Fan Jess says that if you don’t start making plans right now, you’ll burn out from taking on too much at once. By making plans, you’ll ensure you don’t burn out from taking on too much at once. Apparently, the start of the year is a good time to take risks and face your fears, but she ominously doesn’t provide a forecast for the rest of the year, so I wouldn’t try anything too risky.
Eric points a finger right at your money fears. He then goes on to say that you need to rethink how hard you are willing to work, and you might ultimately decide that having fun at work, because you might ultimately decide that having fun is more important than making money. He ends the reading with, “Wise decision, Taurus,” which may or may not be facetious. How rich and happy is Eric? If we knew that, then your decision could be a lot easier. But ultimately, like anything in life, that’s up to you.
This year is great for work collaborations, says Susan, as long as you don’t want to get married (it’s one or the other, ladies). Turns out all that time you’ve spent trying to prove your worth is going to pay off, but it’s thanks to Jupiter, not your efforts.
Jonathan wants you to know that you can’t have it all your way, and you can’t hope to end up with everything you want. But you can have some of it your way and at least one thing you want. One thing. Screw that. You deserve it all!
Social
Dylan and Amelia want you to be more argumentative this year, Taurus. But don’t go around picking fights just because your horoscope told you to do so. You need to argue for what you believe in and hone in on your conversational skills to make sure you’re getting your point across. Don’t become a troll. They even recommend keeping a list of things you believe in on your phone, you know, in case you forget.
Jess says you can expect a bit of drama around the full moon (maybe because you’re being so argumentative? idk). She advises against arguing on behalf of your friends because you probably won’t know all the facts, especially while Mercs is in retrograde. It’s better to offer an ear and a shoulder instead of getting caught in the middle of someone else’s business.
Love
Look, this one is super vague. Jess says that your fear surrounding love can masquerade as common sense and that the worst-case scenario is “not the most reliable one to bank on”.
Now, I’m not a Taurus, so I have no idea what this means, but you should be able to adapt it to your particular situation somehow because, well, is that not the whole point of horoscopes? She says that you need to have hope, and if you fail, you should “absolutely do it on the road to an abundant love life”. I think what she’s trying to say is that you shouldn’t be afraid to go out there and find love, if you want it. If you don’t want it, then absolutely let your fears ruin your life.
Eric says it’s “time to let people under your skin”. Eww. What he means is, you need to break down those walls you’ve built so people can come in. Jupiter moves into your love zone in October, so the last three months of the year could be the best ones for your love life in over a decade. You’ve waited 10 years, what’s another 10 months?
Susan, as always, is more specific. She says “love is coming to you in a big way”. If you’re single, you’ll probably meet someone before January 28 while Mars is in Pisces. If that person doesn’t work out, there should be another one coming your way between September 5 and October 22. Jupiter is in your marriage house all year long, so it’s a great time to become engaged or actually wed that special someone. Suzie even goes so far as to pick out a coupla dates for you: October 21, 22 or 26. She also says that you definitely should not get married or start dating someone new from March 4 to April 15 when Venus is in retrograde. If you’ve already got a ring on your finger, then you might buy a house (ha! Good one, Suz) or have a baby.
Health & home
Once again Jess hammers home the idea of New Year’s resolutions She says you should make some decisions regarding how you’ll take care of yourself this year in order to transform your health, your relationships and your “sweet, sweet bod”. But don’t go thinking your horoscope is body shaming you! Jess adds that you shouldn’t fix what ain’t broken, and sometimes all you need to change is how you think about things. “Improve on the perfection that you are, Taurus.”
Eric brings good news regarding your health. Apparently, it’s going to improve this year! But you need to focus on self-care to bring your new health to fruition (you can’t spell fruition without fruit).
Have you had a tough few years? Suz reckons you have, and that’s all about to change. She agrees with Eric in that your health will start to improve.
Gemini: May 21-June 21
Work & money
It’s time to pay attention to what ideas are good on paper, and what ideas are good in practice. You’ll probably be inclined to leave behind an old dream in favour of a new one, but it’d be wise to look deeper to make sure it’s really what you want and not just a glittery gold façade. Jess recommends aligning yourself with people who inspire and respect you instead of jumping at flashy opportunities.
Eric over at Marie Claire knows you’ve been putting in the hard yards for years, and he’s adamant that 2017 is the year of the final slog. As long as you don’t cut corners (tempting) and don’t become upset over the little things life throws at you, all your work will pay off. And best of all? You won’t have to go through this kind of challenge for at least another seven years. Yay!
Elle’s Suzie has high hopes for your work life this year all thanks to Jupiter in Scorpio. You’re going to be up to your eyeballs in projects and how you handle them will have you noticed by some high-level executives, unless you are one already, in which case I’m not sure what’s in store for you. Horoscopes never seem to be aimed at people who have already, for lack of a better phrase, made it. She says there are four eclipses set for 2017 and each of these means great things for you and your career, with creative opportunities aplenty.
Social
Is your social life in a state of flux? There’s potential for that to be either a good or a bad thing. It’s 50/50 at this point (don’t you love how specific these readings are?). Jess predicts that new friends will come into your life, and you need to be flexible with your old friends so they can do whatever they want and still have you waiting around for them when they decide you’re worthy of their time again.
Love
To better connect with your love, you need to make yourself vulnerable and vocalise the feelings you have for them. You might think your partner is drop-dead gorgeous, but they don’t necessarily know you think that. Make sure you’re expressing yourself instead of keeping your thoughts to yourself. Jess says you can expect “romantic consequences” to your actions, which sounds simultaneously sweet and punishing. Great news, if you’re into that kind of thing.
It’s easy to become annoyed at anyone, anywhere, anytime, but Eric wants you to look at the reason why you’re so violently annoyed.
You know what they say, “you spot it, you got it”. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, you can learn from the people who annoy you and make steps towards being less annoying yourself, which can only improve your relationships.
Cryptic as always Jonathan reckons you want someone to do or say something. But you need to realise that you don’t need to wait for them, you have the freedom to do and say whatever you like (within reason). Stop giving other people the power over your situation. It’s time to own it.
Susan awards you Star Sign Most Likely To Find Love in 2017. If you’ve already met someone, keep an eye on that relationship. But if you haven’t, you’ll probably score between January and October. More specifically, the best time for finding love is May 3 to June 4 after Mercury is done retrograding. If you’re already loved-up long-term, Saturn will teach you “how to dance without stepping on each other’s toes”. Any unhappy relationships may falter between June 15 and December 21 because the universe, caring entity that it is, wants to see you in strong, healthy relationships and will do its best to pull you out of bad ones.
Health & home
Jess opens your health reading by saying “how you relate to your meat suit is a matter of great spiritual importance”. Eww. Unless you’re Lady Gaga and actually have a meat suit, let’s take this to mean your physical body. You need to take a look below the surface of your beauty to find out what’s going on inside, or in her words, “Worry about the engine of this vehicle that you’re driving more than you fret over its paint job.”
Dylan and Amelia don’t want you to be alarmed, but Lady Luna is in your eighth house of the underworld. This sinister-sounding lunar activity actually just means you need to step out of the spotlight for a little while to “recover”. If you’re feeling restless and reckless, it’s time to take some time out to indulge in whatever calms you. You now have cosmic permission to binge-watch Netflix or dive into a YouTube wormhole and waste whatever precious time you have left on this earth.
Good news from Suz though, you’ll probably feel healthier than you have in a long time! You might even travel spontaneously after February 10. A good idea is just to turn up at the airport and pick a destination. That is if they still let you buy real tickets at the airport. She reassuringly ends your reading with, “No matter what happens in 2017, your home life will be happy.”
Cancer: June 22- July 22
Work & money
Everyone needs a work/life balance, especially you, Cancer. The next three months are going to lock you into some shitty commitments if you ignore your personal needs. Jess insists that you not overextend yourself, no matter how obliged you feel to the person asking for your help. Don’t think about what you’re capable of. Instead, think about what you’re capable of doing well. It’s quality over quantity for you this year.
Eric reckons this year is the year that you’ll reap the financial rewards for all your hard work over the past few years (got a few late invoices to send there, Cancer?). Apparently, eclipses are going to occur in your cash zones this year, meaning that you can forget about financial dramas of the past – eclipses can change everything. But so can getting an accountant and sending invoices on time.
Suz agrees that your career has evolved a fair bit over the past few years, but unlike Eric, she says it’s all thanks to Uranus, not you. She emphasises caution during the full moon on April 11 because you might be tempted by a new job that won’t necessarily be an improvement on your current position. A better time to make a move is between May 12-19, or November 10 when “Uranus will receive stabilising vibrations from Saturn” (hehe).
Social
Jess says you need to be your own best friend. You may not have the kinds of friends you can get real with, so instead of getting caught up in drama or power battles, turn that attention to yourself and turn it into kindness. After all, self-care is not indulgent; it’s survival. The start of the year is going to be intense, and it’s up to you whether it’s creative or destructive. Pick your battles wisely.
Love
This is the year of the groupie for all you Crabs. Dylan and Amelia want you to knock your obsession with that person, band, author, actor, whatever up to 100 by buying a ticket to their show, reading all their books, watching all their movies, and spying on them from the bushes on the other side of the street.
In regards to more romantic love, Eric says Pluto is in the zone and is looking out for your needs. Turns out you’re way less argumentative, jealous and controlling than you have been (way to go!), which means you’re in a great position to let love transform your life.
Susan awarded Gemini the Star Sign Most Likely To Find Love, and you’re the runner up. After October, Jupiter moves into Scorpio for the first time in 10 years, lighting your house of true love. It gets better. Mars, the sex-appeal planet, puts you in a position for romance from December 9, 2017, to January 18, 2018. Sorry about the wait. At least you’ll have a New Year’s kiss and someone to bring to Christmas lunch?
Health & home
You might have a bit of an emotional start to the year, according to Jess. The full moon in your sign in early Jan is going to make you feel all the feels, but instead of wallowing, take the opportunity to reflect and engage with those feelings. You might discover something with which you need to deal.
Jonathan posed a bunch of questions for you, like what music do you like? Favourite food? Favourite colour? It turns out that in life, as in Tinder bios, the answers to those questions are boring and don’t reveal much of your personality. You may also find yourself changing your mind about some of those answers, which is allowed. Be glad of how you’re changing. Put that in your Tinder bio.
According to Suzie, this is the most fortunate aspect of your chart. Property and housing look particularly exciting for you this year. If you need to move, look for your dream home and don’t settle for anything less (within reason. Don’t end up homeless for holding out). If you’re not moving, you might start renovating the place you’re in now, provided you’re the owner/your landlord is a champ. Susan might be a little bit Liberal with a capital L because she predicts that you’ll have a baby, or your “parents may give you enough money for a deposit on a house”. Wouldn’t that be nice. All your luck in this area runs out on October 10.
Leo: July 23- August 22
Work & money
Full disclosure: I’m a Leo, so I was overwhelmed to read that there is hope for me yet! Seriously, Dylan and Amelia actually said, “There is hope, Leos!” This year is all about experimental planning – trying out different types of calendars (phone vs. paper), different schedules and different projects until we find something that fits. If we keep going the way we’ve been going, we’re likely to give up hope entirely and throw our phones, papers, schedules, projects, the baby, and the bathwater out all in one go.
Jess agrees with Dyls and Millie on this one. She says we need to change our attitude towards what we’re doing before we give up on it altogether. We also need people to help us help ourselves. We’ve got this, kittens.
Eric takes a different tact and brings our penchant for petty power struggles and jealousies to the fore. Ouch. He says the best way for us to enjoy this year is to work on things that inspire us (all well and good if what inspires you also pays the rent). On that note, if money is stressing us out, we should see a financial therapist. It’s not a good time to be financially dependant on anyone. I should probably add “Don’t lend money to Leos” on the other horoscopes.
We may be offered a creative project early in the year, but if we don’t accept it, then Neptune will confuse our wasted creative energy for restlessness. Mars enters Leo from July 20 to September 5, setting off an important new cycle of confidence, energy and passion. If you’re a writer (I love how specific horoscopes are), you’re set to master more skills and might even publish a novel by the end of the year.
Social
This one is truly perplexing. Jess says, “You need to your fam, but if all you bring them is fun you, they won’t know how to have your back when shit gets real.” If you mentally add and subtract a few words from that sentence, it kind of means we need to let people know what we’re doing and how we’re feeling so that when the time comes for serious conversations, everyone’s ready and prepped to handle them. Don’t be the clown who throws a cream pie in someone’s face and then drops an apologetic monologue about how you don’t know why you do this; you just have so much anger inside, and it must be your parents’ fault, and you’re really trying to work on yourself. Don’t be that person. Jess ends this part of the reading with “(hint, hint)” and we really could do with one right about now.
Love
So, apparently, it’s time to let go. This made me sad at first because I happen to very much love with the person I’m with and don’t want to have to end it on account of my horoscope told me to. Jess clarifies and says that while we may need to let go of someone, we might just need to let go of the way we relate to others or the way we think about love. 2017 is the time to break patterns and see what comes your way.
Eric says an eclipse in our love zone in August could bring love issues to a head. If you’re single, you need to truly forgive all your exes in order to let go of the past and find someone new. If you’re in a relationship, expect unexpected twists.
It’s okay because Susan says the eclipses will actually turn out to be positive for Leos. The full lunar eclipse on February 10 means something that we really want to happen will happen (start trying to think of something, quick). Single, dating or married (they’re our only options), every Leo will be happy this full moon. A few other eclipses are happening, but the one I’m interested in will happen while Mercury is in retrograde from August 12 to September 5. Someone we know and care about will come back into our lives, and I’m so curious about who that’ll be.
Home & health
Jess says it’s going to be a rocky year for us in regards to our feelings. We need to let go of things that seem comfortable but are making us unhappy and have the courage to test out new waters. Self-care also needs to be a priority, so I am all for those new waters being the ones in my bathtub.
Susan awards us Star Sign Most Likely To See Gains Through Real Estate. If we’re planning to buy, sell or renovate, we need to hold off until late October or early November. October 26 is exceptionally lucky for home and property matters.
Look, Body and Soul’s reading was hardly worth the eyestrain it took to read it. It was just a bunch of questions asking what is wrong with our dreams and aspirations, and then another bunch of questions about why we’re always seeking out the negative aspects of our dreams and aspirations. Err, because you asked. Duh.
Virgo: August 23-September 22
Work & money
Slow down, mate. And are those scissors you’re running with? It’s time to pace yourself so you can be as thorough as possible in whatever task is at hand. While temperamental Mercury is in retrograde, Jess recommends treading carefully. You need to check and re-check your work at the beginning of the year, and once Mercury is back on its rightful path, you will be too.
Here’s some news from Eric: you’re more or less set financially. If there’s ever a time when the phrase “more or less” doesn’t suit, it’s when describing finances. He says you could be in danger of overspending, but Jupiter in your cash zone will boost your bank account if you just believe in yourself. That’s a fantastic way to make some cash. He also condones gambling as a way to make it rain: “As much as hard work is the most reliable way of making money, you do have luck on your side this year, if you fancy a small flutter.” So there you have it, you can quit your job because Jupiter and the TAB are on your side.
Susan says Jupiter entered Libra in September last year and will stay there until October 10 this year, meaning all the seeds you planted will soon bear fruit. This is set to be your most financially rewarding year in more than a decade, and she even goes so far as to say that money will “pour in”. From where, no one knows.
Social
Do you have a serious case of the “sads”? Do you feel like your friends just don’t “get” you? Jess says you shouldn’t wait for people to guess what’s going on with you; if you’re feeling lonely, then you need to do something about it. Reach out to someone. Being the initiator of hang out is okay. And it’s okay if your friends can’t make it. Just don’t let the fear of rejection and vulnerability hold you back. Make it happen!
Love
Woot woo, Lady Luna is in your fifth house of romance, according to Dylan and Amelia. Romantic pursuits abound, Virgo. You just need to invite them into your life. Visualise the reality you want. You could make a diorama if you think that’ll do the trick. Or make your Sims characters live the life you wish you had.
If a love doesn’t work out how you imagined it would, let yourself wallow. Or, as Jess says, “stew in your feels”. It’s time to really look at your needs and how you can have them addressed. Don’t just shut down and move onto the next person who catches your eye. After all, you can’t have your needs met if you don’t actually know what they are.
Eric seconds this. He says to be careful who you’re involved with, especially if you don’t feel like they’re on the same wavelength as you. They could be as untrustworthy as you suspect.
Susie has some specific dates for you to mark in your diary this year, Virgo. The most important one is February 26 when the new moon solar eclipse in Pisces occurs. This is the day you’re most likely to become engaged to or wed the love of your life. The trust theme flows through Suz’s reading too: she says that if you were concerned about your lover being honest with you, February 26 is the day you’ll find out. Try to find out before you head down the aisle, won’t you. When Mars is in your sign from September 5 to October 22, you’re going to be like one of those flashy lures fisherman use to catch snapper. On top of that, Venus will join the party from September 19 to October 14, making it a great time to socialise. Suz says to mark October 5 in your diary because that’s when Venus and Mars will align perfectly, signifying a rare and special time for love. Due to some sort of mathematical equation that I don’t understand, if your birthday falls five days either side of September 11, you’re going to be doubly lucky in love.
Health & home
Jess says you’re smart, but that ain’t enough. You need to listen to your inner voice even when it contradicts your “mind-machine”. The beginning of the year is going to be a bit of a rollercoaster for you in regards to your health, so you’ll need extra sleep and a little less people time. Don’t let your social obligation direct your actions; do what works for you.
Saturn, bad houseguest that she is, has been touring your fourth house of home and family since 2014! And she doesn’t look set to leave any time soon. While this sounds awful (three days is enough for any guest), Susan says this could be a good thing because it signifies that you could be right within reach of a goal this year, like saving for a home. By the end of the year Saturn will be out of your hair and the weight of responsibility off your shoulders.
Miscellaneous
Jonathan’s reading can never be categorised. You need to be careful about an unspecified thing, because any similarity between that thing and another thing is purely superficial. Whether you’ve been intentionally trying to emulate something or not, you’ll end up somewhere completely different. Whether that is a good or bad thing is up to you.
Libra: September 23- October 22
Work & money
Jess has a truly revolutionary suggestion to make, Libra. It’s one of those why-didn’t-I-think-of-that ideas. Make New Year’s resolutions. I know, wild! But give it a go. Take stock of what you need for your future while seriously reviewing 2016.
Expect a year of growth and expansion, Librans. Jupiter is in your sign for the first time in 10 years, which, apparently is a huge deal. Eric is really excited about it, but maybe he’s a Libra, too. Jupiter in your sign means Lady Luck is on your side and good fortune will flow into you like a river to the sea. While you still have to work hard this year, you have a gust of celestial wind beneath your proverbial wings, so you’ll be cruisin’ for sure.
Susan seconds your good fortune. According to her, it’ll last until October 10 when Jupiter leaves your sign. Expect influential people and attractive offers to come in droves until then. Concentrate on the offers that have the greatest potential for long-term gain and happiness (in that order). While it’s a good year to launch a business, hold off while Jupiter is in retrograde (did you know Jupiter could do that too?) between February 6 to June 9. The best time to take a business risk is between June 9 and October 10, minus the time Mercury is in retrograde from August 12 to September 5. I hope you’re marking this in your calendar. Venus joins the retrograde party from March 4 to April 15, so hold off on doing anything crazy then, too. You’ll close out the year in financial bliss when Jupiter moves into Scorpio until November 2018.
Social
Be careful of the vibes you’re putting out at the beginning of the year, says Jess. It’s so easy to get caught up in your mess that you forget everyone is vulnerable and weird. While it’s not your job to take care of everyone, you need to cut them some slack and realise that they’re all going through shit too. 2016 was a mess, and people are trying to recover. Be kind. And be a little less self-involved would you, please. Just because a friend is acting weird doesn’t mean it has anything to do with you. And if you throw shade and project bad vibes over people, that’s what you’ll get in return.
Love
Love is a drug, baby, and you’re hooked. The only problem is that other people may not be prioritising love and therefore aren’t as available to bask in it with you. Don’t try to convince your crush to be on the same page as you. Your love shouldn’t be doled out in order to feed your ego. Jess wants you to be emotionally generous and patient early in the year, and the love will flow back to you all in good time. She promises.
Eric says Librans are renowned for being attractive. Now, I can’t see you through your webcam or anything, but I’d be willing to bet he’s right. It’s because Venus, the planet of beauty, rules your sign. When you turn on the charm there’s no resisting you, and with Jupiter hanging around in your sign, you’ll be even more in demand. Get out there!
Susan crowned you the Celestial Favourite for love at the end of last year (she’s literally said this about so many other star signs). If you’re single, you’ll meet someone soon if you keep being your lovely, sociable self. If you’re in a relationship, you’ll be extremely happy in 2017, and that can only mean one thing – a baby is on the way. There’s an eclipse on February 10, near Valentine’s Day, that will send pretty fireworks into your house of love. In a physical sense, this is both dangerous and illegal. But in an astrological sense, this is great news. She doesn’t say why; that’s for you to read too much into and interpret in a way that suits your specific circumstances and then tell all your friends that your horoscope was, like, so accurate. There’s another eclipse on August 21 that is set to bring you a confession of love, a proposal, or a pregnancy. “Anything is possible,” but within the confines of those things.
Health & home
Rookie’s Dylan and Amelia say the moon is in your fourth house of home, so you’re probably going to be a bit of a homebody at the start of the year. It’s going to make you inspired to revamp your room that you won’t even mind going to IKEA on a Saturday. They recommend making two lists for home care this year: one for big projects like renovations, and the other for everyday tasks like putting away your laundry and watering your plants.
Invest in your overall wellness, Libra. The elements of your humanity that seem so separate – spiritual, emotional, physical, mental – are all interconnected. When one is hurting, the rest are hurting too. Jess wants you to treat your body with the respect it deserves and invest in your wellness before your “surface stuff”. What you look like matters, but not as much as how you feel in your own skin. Amen to that.
Your mantra this year comes from the late, great George Michael: “I gotta have faith”. According to the cryptic Jonathan over at Body and Soul, you’ve taken on a pretty big challenge. I don’t know, have you? It might not be one big challenge, but a lot of little things are adding up. If there’s too much on your plate, or you’ve put yourself in an impossible situation, you can solve everything by having a little faith and a lot of imagination. You’ve already got what it takes to smash 2017; you just need to proceed with confidence.
You’re likely to feel noticeable healthier this year thanks to Jupiter. If you have a chronic condition, ask your doctor about any new medical breakthroughs (Jupiter has been super busy in the lab lately), but stay vigilant. If your birthday falls between October 11 and 23, you need to keep up with your medical exams while Uranus opposes your Sun. Suz says that’s a bad thing, but you’ll be fine.
Scorpio: October 23-November 12
Work & money
This year has the potential to be your year, Scorpio. You just need to make sure you’re not distracted by the details of your current situation and the overhangs from last year. Instead, look towards where you want to be in 2017. Who wants to live in the Now? No one. Jess recommends leaning on people who are already living your dream (this seems to be the go-to reading for most star signs, to be honest. Someone’s a big fan of networking) because you don’t need to reinvent the wheel to get ahead. Just steal someone else’s ideas. That’s what I’ve been doing in this entire article.
Eric is sorry, but your money might be an issue for you this year. But he’s insistent that you try to worry less about cash and more about how to achieve financial stability (can someone explain the difference?) Seek some financial advice and strategise about money this year.
Suzie predicts that Saturn has been wrecking havoc in your second house of earned income since 2015. Rude. But apparently, it’s all been part of your “cosmic degree in financial matters”, and you passed with flying colours! You’re now well-equipped to ask for a raise or work out how to use e-tax properly. This means you might see a jump in your salary towards the end of the year. To be specific, as Suz always is, October 26 and November 15 should be pretty great days for your bank account.
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The time has come for you to develop a filter between your brain and your mouth, Scorpio. Lady Luna is in your third house of self-expression, and Dylan and Amelia reckon you might need to put away your “pinch-y claws” for a softer touch when expressing your feelings. Even if someone annoys you, gently expressing yourself is better for everyone involved.
In a very round-a-bout way, Jess just wants you to know that it’s okay for you to leave a party while you’re still having a good time. Go out on a high. That’s what you need to do this year: leave when things are just getting good.
Love
When your love is based on fantasy and projection, it’s kind of like setting up camp in quicksand; you’re bound to sink. Jess wants you to make sure the loves in your life are based on realness, especially in the beginning of the year when you’re most likely to idolise people. Make your love life as sustainable as it is hot and as real as it is steamy.
Speaking of idolising people, you need to turn those eyes on yourself this time. After all, if you don’t love yourself, who will? It’s like how you wouldn’t buy Kora skincare if Miranda Kerr didn’t really use it herself, you know? Eric wants you to detox your mind I order to overcome negative thoughts. You could try yoga, chanting, prayer or meditation – anything that will help you to connect with the universe.
There’s a new moon solar eclipse on February 26 in Pisces that will light up your house of true love like a freaking Christmas tree. Susan says that if you’re single, you’re like to meet someone who leaves you breathless and sends your heart racing. But make sure you keep your emotions in check because you have a tendency to get carried away, don’t you, Scorpio.
Health & home
Jess gets it. She opens your reading by saying, “There are so many things to whinge about, the list is endless, and life is awful.” But just when you think she’s on your side, she goes and tells you that it’s your perspective that’s wrong, not life itself. This is unusual for a horoscope reading, given the path your life is taking has nothing to do with you – it’s all in the planets. Basically, Jess wants you to satisfy your most basic needs: sleep, water, food, exercise. If you’re solid in those areas, you’ll be better equipped to handle the stresses that life aka the planets throw your way.
There’s another new moon solar eclipse on August 21 that might make you want to move house, radically change the look of your home, or exchange your current housemate for a better one. Susan says anytime this year is a great time to head out on a health retreat and to try to kick bad habits once and for all. You’ve got Jupiter on your side, so your willpower will be strong enough to change things for the better.
This is by far the best slash worst reading from Jonathan yet. It goes into how reincarnation is a revolving door, and how hardly anyone remembers their previous lives, but those who do are sure they were Napoleon. The lesson connected to this (somehow) is to “forget the unanswerable questions… there’s one very clear discovery to be made”. And just like that, the reading ends.
Sagittarius: November 23-December 21
Work & money
The moon is in your second house of wealth-building, according to Dylan and Amelia, so you need to decide how you want to invest your money, time, and energy this year. Take drastic measures in regards to finances, like downloading a budget app and unsubscribing to The Iconic’s sale newsletters.
Oyster’s Jess says that how you manage your money is a reflection of what you care about. Being careless with your resources reveals ambiguity about what you really want – either that or a sign that you want anything and everything that catches your eye. You need to take stock of your current reality and your dreams and use your money to build a bridge between the two.
You’re going to be networking with much more people than usual from now on, according to Elle’s Susan. This is especially great if you’re self-employed and looking for more clients and connections. You’ve spent the past few years working in earnest, hoping that you would eventually do well, and now you’ll see that you were right.
Social
Jess turned your social reading into one about money, sorry. Also, Eric completely forgot about you. Rough going.
Jonathan has a social reading for you, though: stop playing devil’s advocate. That’s it. The rest of the reading was about dropping ideas and avoiding defeat and carrying on regardless. Any idea what that’s about? Me either.
Love
Look, horoscopes are all about how you interpret them, right? Well, I just want to cover all bases here because Jess begins with a potentially dangerous warning: “Stay in your relationships even when you need a break from them”.
Please don’t interpret this as a sign to stay in unhealthy, dangerous relationships if you can help it. And if you do need help, here are some phone numbers and websites you can use. Now, back to the reading. She’s definitely talking more about ghosting lovers than anything else, and apparently just texting a select few emojis is a totally fine way to end it with someone. This is a way of being “forthright about your needs” for the new millennium. This was not a pleasant reading in any interpretation. Sorry, Sag.
Susan says Uranus, the planet of unanticipated happenings, has been in your love sector since 2011 and will remain there until March 2019. It can make the emotional ebbs and flows of relationships feel more intense, but also absolutely thrilling. You have the opportunity for a stellar Valentine’s Day this year, thanks to Mars and Venus in your fifth house of true love between February 3 and June 6. This is also an optimal time for engagement, marriage or baby news. Long-term couples will draft plans for big life goals like buying a house, starting a business or expanding the family.
Health & home
Take stock of what doesn’t quite feel right even when you’re feeling well, and do something about it. Jess says your health and wellness take consistent care and attention, so don’t become complacent when it all seems to be going well. In particular, pay attention to your menstrual cycles and take care of yourself when your energy is low. Don’t wait until you feel bad to start investing in your health.
Suz just wants you to have fun! Life has been too serious since Saturn entered your sign at the end of 2014. Saturn has a tendency to make us grow up and become more independent, somehow, but now you’ve earned the right to let your hair down and party it up, Sagittarius style. You’re going to have a lot of overseas travel opportunities this year, especially around the eclipses on February 10, August 7 and August 21. And in the most specific reading I’ve come across thus far, you need to make sure you have flood insurance on February 26. Apparently, Neptune is in your house of home and wants to bring the sea with it.
Capricorn: December 22-January 19
Work & money
Something’s gotta give, Capri. You might be itching to change what you do, but try to change how you think about things first. Define what it is that you want in both the long- and short-term so that you can make informed decisions. Jess says you’re poised for success, but you need to be wise about it.
Jupiter is in your career zone for the first time in 12 years, signalling a professional high. Eric instructs you to “use Jupiter” for something, and you can use it whether you’re just starting out or having a midlife surge (whatever that means). You’re going to be more popular at work too, but don’t let it get to your head.
Susie reckons you’re on your way to the top! Capricorns love to work for big companies where there are promotions aplenty and manipulations afoot. Okay, I added the latter. This year, however, you can leave the manipulation tactics at home because your work will speak for itself. 2017 is going to be full of professional reward, but you may face some tricky choices. More specifically, April 11 will bring a career situation to culmination, but you may also need to focus on your home life. You need to weigh up how much each part of your life means to you (Suzie only ever lets you have one or the other). Don’t accept a new position while Mercury is in retrograde from April 9 to May 3. Venus, the planet that rules the Capricorn career sector, will go into retrograde too from March 4 to April 15, so hold off making any big decisions during that time.
Social
Don’t force parties and socialising if you’re not feeling it, says Jess. If things seem overwhelming, take a step back and chill out for a bit. And don’t let the highlight reel of social media make you feel bad for taking some time out for yourself. Everyone needs it, and those who don’t take it are the ones who really miss out.
Jonathan seems to think a lack of world peace is a preventative measure against boredom. We would tire of a perfect world too quickly, so we go out of our way to pick fights and feed conflicts. While I don’t know if this is exactly true on a world scale, it can definitely be true on the micro-scale of day-to-day life. Don’t feel obliged to contribute to the drama culture. Be the person who diffuses a situation (the boring one, apparently) rather than who ramps it up.
Love
January might be an emotional time for you, and it’s easy to feel sorry for yourself, but that ain’t helping anyone or anything. Remind yourself of what you want from your love life (maybe keep a list on your phone?) and stick with it. Do you want someone who has a car? Do you want someone who has an apartment with ocean views? Do you want someone who will listen to you cry over the phone? As with kids, Jess says you should allow your feelings to take a rollercoaster ride before you ask anyone else to take care of them. Who knows who they’re going to vomit on later.
Eric wants you to be aware that you have “combustible” Pluto in your sign, making for one of the most intense astrological events possible. Pluto makes you passionate, but can also make you controlling and manipulative. Watch your temper, too. Don’t aim those dagger eyes at a current, former, or potential lover. They’re lethal!
Susan says if you’re single, the best time to get out there/start swiping will be in the last four months of the year. October 26 is a particularly wonderful day to meet/match with someone new.
Health & home
You’re going to need to be in tip-top shape to take on 2017’s challenges, according to Dylan and Amelia. There’s a fresh start waiting in your first house of self, which is great for the whole “new year, new you” thing. Think about what electrifies your life and align your goals to that. Also make sure you’re getting enough water, sleep and exercise so you can stay energised throughout the year.
Jess wants you to take a long, hard, non-judgemental look at yourself in the mirror and enjoy the body that you’re in. If there’s something you want to change or an exercise regime you want to start, you’ll have an easier time doing it from a place of self-love rather than loathing. Jess’ hope is that you love yourself as you are and don’t fix what ain’t broken.
All of your concentration is going towards your home situation this year, according to Suz. A home-related opportunity will present itself on March 27 – maybe you’ll find a new housemate, maybe you’ll buy a property, maybe your rent will go up, or maybe your landlord will decide to sell your terrace to developers and they’ll kick you out to build apartments. Your house of home is crammed with planets: the sun (power), a new moon in Aries (opportunity), Venus (beauty), Uranus (surprises), and Mercury (news). If only there were a way to collected and trade planets with other signs. You’d be rich.
Aquarius: January 20- February 18
Work & money
How you relate to your work is “hella important,” so say Jess. If what you’re doing feels like a big ol’ waste o’ time, you need to reassess where you’re at and where you want to be. If you decide to leave your job, make sure you have an exit strategy, and always make change with the aim of improving your life.
This could be a big year for you, money-wise. Eric says that if you want to change your financial circumstances, you need to redouble your efforts. That’s a little unfair considering Virgos are going to have extra money just because Jupiter is in their cash zone. If you’re consistent in your hard work between January and October, the year will end on a financial high. Consider seeing a financial therapist if you suspect your money troubles run deep (hint: they do).
You’ll have good fortune until October 10, Susan reckons. That’s when Jupiter moves out of Libra and into Scorpio to offer career advancement for the next 13 months. You’ll experience the most important year for your profession in your life, so enjoy it while it lasts. Things will never be this good again. Or at least until next year’s horoscopes come out.
Social
Your social circles are changing up in surprising ways. Holding onto how things used to be won’t work. Jess says to embrace the excitement of the unknown and don’t try to predict where things are going to land (a bit rich coming from an astrologer).
Jonathan says that on the surface, everything looks obvious. But the more you probe, the more anomalies you reveal. Some people never probe: they figure that as long as everything looks okay, it is okay. These people are hardly ever in your sign, nor are they doctors.
Aquarians won’t settle for anything less than right and fair, but your high standards can sometimes make things tricky, especially when you expect other people to live up to them.
Love
Don’t rely on other people to make you feel better this year. How other people feel about you isn’t going to change the way you feel about you.
If only it could: everyone loves you! The only way to change your state of mind, Jess says, is to engage in things that make you happy. Stop looking for your ‘other half’; you’re already whole.
Two eclipses will affect your love life: one in February and one in August. Eric says it means you’ll be confronted with two rather drastic options: let someone go or take things to the next level with your current partner.
The eclipses of 2017 will shift your focus from platonic love to romantic love. Susan suspects something special will come to fruition on February 10 when the full moon eclipse is in Leo and the sun is at a perfect angle to Jupiter in Libra. It’s a celestial cocktail. There’s another full moon lunar eclipse on August 7. These are key dates for the single and attached alike. There’s a new moon solar eclipse in your marriage/partnership house on August 21, which may see a significant change in a relationship. For example, if your partner is not astrologically minded and didn’t propose during the other eclipses, by some miracle, they might do it this time.
Health & home
It’s important that you have hope this year, Aquarius. The moon is in your 12th house of spirit, asking you to forget the disappointments of last year and move onto better things. Dylan and Amelia go on to explain that hope isn’t a passive emotion; it’s the “elbow grease of imagination”. They advise you to take part in a spiritual practice or seek out a deep and challenging conversation with a friend. One conversation should just about do it.
Venus us in your sign early in the year, which is making you super cute and has you feeling at ease with yourself. Because everyone knows you can’t be at ease with yourself unless you’re cute. Jess says the beginning of the year is a great time for shopping as long as you don’t overspend, but you also may feel a bit indulgent and lazy. Focus on self-care and make sure you’re getting enough water and sleep.
Susan predicts big travel for you this year, and maybe even a desire to further your education when you return. You could combine the two and study abroad.
Pisces: February 19-March 20
Hi Pisces, sorry you’ve had to scroll through 12 horoscopes to get here. Thanks for coming.
Work & money
If you can be direct about what you need in regards to your career advancement, Jess says you’ll find it easier to pave your way through murky waters. In other words, she wants you to write your New Year’s resolutions with a career tilt. Don’t be afraid to dream beyond what is realistic, either. Anything is possible with time, effort, and a plan and endless supplies of money, and someone to clean your room and do your laundry. A little magical thinking never hurt anyone; just don’t let the line between your fantasies and reality blur too much.
Eric says this could be a gruelling year for you, but if you’re working hard and have integrity, then you’ll get the recognition you deserve. People might even start to think of you as an expert in your field (who wouldn’t love to be an expert in the different toppings at Doughnut Time?), and you might even receive some kind of financial bonus.
Saturn came into Sagittarius in 2014 for the first time since 1985, so depending on how old you are, its influence might feel new. Susan says Saturn is the Miss Trunchbull of the solar system. She’s a tough teacher who demands full respect and concentration, but you come out the other side wiser and more accomplished and hopefully full of chocolate cake. This year, Saturn will pack her bags, but won’t actually head out the door until December 20, so if you keep the momentum going until then, you’ll see some great rewards. Interestingly enough, Suz says you could become head of your industry. I’m sure you could, but she’s also said that to just about every other sign, and I’m just not sure if there are enough industries for every Pisces and every person in every other sign to be leading the charge. Sounds suspiciously fabricated.
Social
Lady Luna has been chilling in your 11th house of socialising, which made you the life of the party at every New Year’s event you went to. Dylan and Amelia recommend you take this energy into your own party planning – dream big and figure out details second. Like, send out an invite for a fabulous harbour cruise and work out how you’ll hot-wire the yacht later. Make sure you focus on those details, especially while Mercury is retrograding. A low-stress, high-fun adventure is perfect.
Jess suspects you found yourself in a bit of a friend funk at the close of 2016. Something about you has changed and your friends are a bit slow to notice. Make sure you have a real talk with them, Pisces. They can’t read your mind (phew!) but want to do what they can to make you happy.
You’re never wrong, and you know it. Jonathan admires your ability to have a solid grasp on your current situation and know how to respond.
Nevertheless, you still manage to doubt yourself, but these doubts only serve to prove just how right you are. Mistakes are made by people who don’t question their own judgement, so double-check for sure, but also listen to your intuition because that’s pretty spot on, too.
Love
You may have a rude awakening from a delusion that you believed 100 per cent, or vice versa. Sometimes it’s hard to know what’s delusion and what’s romantic bliss. Jess recommends just focussing on what you do and don’t have in balance, keeping in mind that love should ebb and flow. Keep the bigger picture in mind. Got it? Good.
Eric wants you to make time for romance. You might feel like it’s easier to be single. If you’re attached, you might be itching for independence within your relationship, but Eric says to hell with that! Screw being an independent woman! Throw yourself into relationships and partnerships like there’s no tomorrow, which there isn’t because, as Ronan Keating and the less famous Elvis Presley say, tomorrow never comes. Eric goes one step further to say that even if someone is annoying you, stick with them! Other people’s annoying habits help us to grow as people. He doesn’t specify how.
Susan says that while the focus is on money and career this year, you could still find love! You could have it all! Make sure you let the rest of us know what it’s like; we’re all still choosing between kids and a career over here. The most important date for your love life – write this down – is the February 26 new moon solar eclipse. It might mean a change in the way you look, and you might meet someone special. Are the two connected? You’ll find out! Mars tours Cancer from June 4 to July 20, giving you another chance for love or a deeper connection with a partner. Venus moves into Cancer to boost your love life from July 31 to August 26. Feel free to start planning a romantic getaway for later in the year; you’ll definitely have someone to take. If not, maybe see if Susie wants to go? She seems pretty nice.
Health & home
Ever noticed how you float out of your body when you’re feeling good? How do you even do that? Well, whatever, Jess wants you to stop it. You have to be extra careful to stay associated early in the year, especially during the festive season recovery period. Take it slow; there’s plenty of time to hit the gym later.
You’ll feel invincible when Jupiter enters Scorpio on October 10. Susan says you’ll be stronger than ever before and ready to take on the world, and that seems like a possibility, with travel opportunities predicted for the end of the year.
This story originally appeared on The Ladies Network in January, 2017.
Main image: Moon cycle, 2015, by Alexandra English.