Social butterflies - marie claire

Nervous about having to talk to people again as we re-enter society? You may be experiencing FOMU (Fear of Meeting Up). Alexandra English looks at the causes and cures of our new social anxiety

Hand’s up if the festive season was a rude shock. It’s been a long time since we’ve had to think about hanging out with others, but then restrictions eased and borders opened, and not only did we have to get dressed and smell nice, we also had to remember how to talk to people.

If the end of 2020 taught us anything, it’s that among the many more serious things the pandemic has taken from us is our ability to chitchat.

And as our re-entry to polite society continues, those who have never before experienced social anxiety are starting to panic.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, anxiety has about doubled since the pandemic hit. Add to that seeing colleagues and classmates for the first time in months, plus a new and ever-changing set of boundaries for safety, and it’s enough to make you want to stay home. We’ve gone beyond previous year’s FOMO (Fear of Missing Out), and entered the realm of FOMU (Fear of Meeting Up). So what to do if you’re feeling anxious?

Take it seriously

Whether you’re feeling the full burden of social anxiety or you’re just worried you’re going to be a bit awkward by your mate’s pool, there are two things the experts suggest. One: take your feelings seriously; and two: don’t let them stop you from leaving the house. Catherine Madigan, clinical psychologist at Anxiety Treatment Australia, explains avoidance is the one thing you can do to ensure your anxiety not only sticks around, but also gets worse. “If you’re feeling a bit rusty or like you’ve lost confidence, you need to self-analyse to work out what specific thing is making you anxious, and what you’re doing to hide your anxiety from others.” For example, have you become overly jokey to deflect from having anything meaningful to say? Are you clinging to one particular person like a safety blanket? Do you have a sudden urge to take over the barbecue, despite your inability to know when to turn the steak? These are all safety behaviours that need to be dropped, says Madigan.

“It may be too stressful to drop them all at once, so you have to slowly change the way you handle social interactions,” she advises. It’s about working out the detriment versus benefit of your safety behaviour. Bringing a friend to a party is better than not going at all, but make sure you talk to other people when you get there.

Plan ahead

Late in the year, we were able to test the face-to-face waters. The intimacy of these kinds of get-togethers comes with its own set of anxieties: after all, there’s nowhere to hide at a dinner table set for six. So if you don’t want to do that, plan something else. “If face-to-face is too overwhelming, suggest an activity that will give you a bit of space and also something to talk about,” says Madigan. You can also gain a sense of control by being the one to suggest the time, place and activity, advises life and relationship coach Megan Luscombe. “If you’re nervous about heading out to social activities again, make the plans yourself,” she says. “Being the one to set the agenda can help to alleviate feelings of nervousness or anxiety.”

Talk to strangers

If part of what’s making you nervous is that you have no idea what to talk about anymore (after all, you can only get so much conversational mileage out of your sourdough starter), you can practise on strangers before the big day. Luscombe suggests using incidental interactions as a chance to get your chitchat on.

“If you’re going to get groceries, skip the self-serve and ask the attendant how their day has been. If you’re getting a coffee, say a huge thank you – with eye contact – when you order and collect your drink,” she says. “These small moments reinforce human connection and can help you on your way to re-introducing yourself in social situations.”

If all else fails, admit that you’re feeling awkward. It can help break the spell. “If you’re feeling weird, just say: ‘Far out, this feels really awkward being in person. You’re going to have to give me a few hours to warm up to you all again,’” says Luscombe. You don’t need to pretend you’re super chill. This is weird, you feel weird, your friends feel weird. Embrace it.

Have an exit strategy

The greatest gift anyone received last year was an obligation-free festive season. And that’s a theme that needs to continue into 2021. “Remember that you can always change your plans and you absolutely don’t have to feel bad about it,” says Luscombe. “We should only be focusing on 24-hour blocks in this pandemic, because that’s how quickly things can change.” While cancelling comes with a hint of avoidance, the difference is your intention. “It’s knowing and understanding that you can only do what you can do in 24 hours. You need to do things out of want, not because you feel like you’re obligated to be there.”

If, for some reason, you don’t feel comfortable bailing at the last minute, you can always set a time limit on your socialising. “Let people know you’re coming, but have to be out at a certain time,” says Luscombe. “It helps you feel in control and gives you an exit strategy if you’re feeling overwhelmed.” And if you’re having so much fun you blow right through your 9pm home-time alarm, that’s all the better.

This too shall pass

Based on previous pandemics that have involved social isolation, it should take about a month or two to readjust to being social again. “One thing we can generally say is that nobody was emotionally prepared for this,” says Luscombe. “Reintroducing interpersonal relationships is going to be uncomfortable, but it will come back quickly.” So it might be icky and awkward, but with time and practice, your chitchat will come back better, more hilarious, more interesting and more thoughtful than ever before.

This story originally appeared in the February 2021 issue of marie claire. Illustration: Natasha Bonita