Does Anybody Like Me? - Harper's BAZAAR (Copy)

There is you, then there is work you, and then there is Instagram you. Are we trying so hard to be likeable in every area of our lives that we are forgetting ourselves?

SINCE ENTERING the workforce in large numbers in the 1970s, women have been offered two choices: be a successful bitch or a well-liked failure. We’ve all seen — and perhaps are guilty ourselves of indulging in — the biases and double standards women face at work. A woman who emulates the traits of a decisive and effective leader is deemed bossy and harsh, with the insinua- tion she’s pulled herself up the career ladder by her claws. A woman who shows more emotion is assumed to be too weak for a position of power, with the implication she’s a pushover and her talents would be put to better use organising the office Christmas party.

This is the double bind in which women find themselves entan- gled. Hillary Clinton summed it up perfectly in her book What Happened, about her 2016 US presidential run against Donald Trump: “If we’re too tough, we’re unlikeable,” she writes. “If we’re too soft, we’re not cut out for the big leagues. If we work too hard, we’re neglecting our families. If we put family first, we’re not serious about work.” Former prime minister Julia Gillard echoed those sentiments to The Guardian: “Until we can shed that stereo- type that women, leadership and likeability don’t go together, we will be putting the baggage of that onto the women who do emerge. ... somewhere in our brains is whispering a stereotype that says if a woman is leading, commanding, she has probably given up on ‘female’ traits of empathy [and] likeability.”

“It is very hard for women to be seen as both competent and likeable, because this contradicts highly ingrained gender stereo- types,” explains Professor Sharon Parker from Curtin University, who specialises in the future of work and employee mental health. “When women behave in those ways that are stereotypically masculine, such as speaking up and being assertive, they often experience a backlash because it threatens the ‘normal’ order of things.” As a result, women are more likely to bend to the will

of others, to placate, to not rock the boat. “Women have learnt to become people pleasers because they have learnt that to behave otherwise will create problems for them,” she says.

But it’s not just female politicians and those in upper manage- ment who need to toe the line between likeability and authenticity to appear of value to other people. Bending and twisting ourselves to be palatable to others is a trait inherent in many women, and it’s one that radiates out to other areas of our lives, particularly social media, where every selfie and curated flat-lay is literally waiting to be liked and affirmed by our followers.

“It’s a much more female thing to model and fashion yourself,” explains Jayashri Kulkarni, a professor of psychiatry at Monash University. “It goes back to internal versus external validation, which you can hypothe- sise as the difference between being a hunter or a gatherer. Women have always prized social networking because they’ve often had the job of raising children and it’s in their interest to maintain relationships with other mothers, which is all about external valida- tion. The current iteration of that is social media, where there’s a lot of emphasis on appearance, style and clothes for external validation. The hunter only values internal validation, which is, I think I’m great, therefore I am. The hunter has one thing to do and just goes out and does it and that’s enough.”

As the founder of e-tailer The Undone, the blogger behind Harper & Harley, and with more than half a million followers on Instagram, Sara Crampton knows firsthand how likeability and success can play off each other for women both in business and on social media. “Women definitely have to work harder — they have to strike the balance of being both soft and hard, well presented but not too feminine or high-maintenance,” she says. “Women are aware that there is more we have to do to get ahead and be treated as equals, so we’re naturally going to adapt how we present ourselves in different situations.”

Of course, it’s impossible not to crave external validation on some level, and wanting to be likeable isn’t always negative. “I think it’s human nature to want to be liked,” Crampton says. “It’s something you discover in primary school — that it’s nice to have friends and not so nice when you’re excluded or if someone says something unkind about you.” It’s when a woman’s self-worth is tied to external validation that striving for likeability becomes a problem. “Social media has exacerbated [our desire to be liked], and it has absolutely programmed us to try to live up to false expectations,” Crampton continues. “It’s a very vulnerable space. Knowing your social platform is being viewed as an extension of yourself, you’re naturally going to want to only put your best foot forward, and this can be a lot of added pressure. In my influencer work, I’m very aware I’m in a place of privilege and that through my job I’m experiencing things others aren’t able to. I won’t share anything that hasn’t been thought through; this is purely being socially responsible, rather than being fake or trying to please others.”

Research by the UK’s Royal Society for Public Health found that Instagram is the most damaging platform for mental health for users aged 14–24, with some of the feelings of inadequacy it can generate traced back to the weight the platform places on popularity. In July this year, Instagram announced it would trial hiding the number of likes for posts on its platform in an attempt to curb self-esteem issues among its users. Mia Garlick, director of policy at Facebook (which owns Instagram) for Australia and New Zealand, said the decision to remove likes was made in an attempt to see “whether [it] can help people focus less on likes and more on telling their story”. By removing visible likes, badges of honour and shame are eliminated, freeing us mere mortal users from the empty pursuit of likes, and post-post anxiety.

“Validation is difficult because it fluctuates, and that means people can be cast out. Women can get quite sad if somebody unfriends them or if there’s not a like or their number of followers drops,” Kulkarni says. Maybe we’ll start posting for ourselves, rather than catering to the assumed aesthetic desires of others. “I think removing the likes is a good thing because your posts should be without competition,” Kulkarni says. “It shouldn’t need a bunch of affirmations from the external.” Crampton agrees. “I love the [removing visible likes] initiative. I’ve heard stories of girls in high school being told how many likes they need to be considered cool, and it breaks my heart. That isn’t what the platform should be about — it should be about connecting with others, not a popu- larity contest.”

In a speech at the 2015 Girls Write Now Awards ceremony, the acclaimed author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie had some thoughts. “What our society teaches young girls ... is that idea that likeability is an essential part of the space you occupy in the world ... that you’re supposed to twist yourself into shapes and make yourself likeable, that you’re supposed to hold back sometimes, pull back, don’t quite say, don’t be too pushy, because you have to be likeable. And I say that is bullshit.”

Women are allowed to be critical, complex and imperfect; we’re not people-pleasing machines. We just need to address what it means to be liked. Does it mean tempering your thoughts so as to not rock the boat? Or does it mean keeping an open mind and considering all perspectives? Does it mean taking cues from those around you to determine how you will react? Or does it mean listening before you respond? Does it mean tying your self-worth to what someone else thinks about you, which will always be out of your control? Or does it mean embracing the hunter mentality and celebrating your greatness regardless of others’ validation? Success and likeability aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s possible to be successful without shutting down your emotions; you can be liked without being a pushover. Most of all, it’s OK to want to be both, as long as you’re being your authentic self.

Sara Crampton’s tips on keeping it real …

ON SOCIAL MEDIA:

“There’s a lot of pressure to put more of yourself out there on social media, [but] you need to like the image or content you post. If you like it, you’re already ahead and it doesn’t actually matter how many others like it.”

“Most things in social media (such as video) are new, so sometimes you won’t know how you feel about it until you give it a go. It can be a bit of trial and error to work out how to strike the right balance between keeping up and having it sit well with you.”

AT WORK:

“Self-reflection can help at work. If you like how you present yourself and believe you’re doing a good job, you’re going to be less worried about how others perceive you.”

“The most important things [in a leadership position] to me are clear communication and explaining why decisions are being made, rather than just telling people what to do. Ensuring your team feel empowered to do their role and that they’re making a difference to the business is particularly important.”

This story originally appeared in the November 2019 issue of Harper’s BAZAAR magazine. Image: David Slijper/Trunk Archive/Snapper Images.